Patty & Bun, London

Patty & Bun, St. Christopher's Place

Address: 54 James St London W1U 1HE

Nearest Tube Station: Bond Street

I'm going to let you in on London's worst kept secret...

Step forward, Patty & Bun. 

It's a quick stroll from Bond St and all you have to do is to follow the signs to meat heaven... or the small country of people queuing outside the restaurant. They can seat around 30 people and operate on a first come first served policy..

Tip: Arrive an hour before peak time (12-2PM and 6-8PM). We turned up at 5PM on a Saturday evening and waited for a maximum of 15 minutes. All the quicker to have the burgers in our tums. 

My excitement got the better of me and I forgot to take interior shots of the place. Imagine a small rectangular room with dim overhead lights, decorated cardboard posters, the occasional 'I'M SIGNING OVER MY SOUL FOR ANOTHER BURGER' scream and the smell of happiness.

Enough talk. Let's get down to the main event.

Jordan (part time boyfriend, full time burger muncher) ordered the Smokey Robinson: beef patty, cheese, tomato, lettuce, mounds of caramelised onions, bacon, ketchup, smokey P&B mayo, brioche (bun). The man sure loves his bacon so this naturally didn't escape from his wandering eyes.

I ordered the 'Jose Jose' chilli burger: beef patty, smoked cheese, tomato, lettuce, chilli chorizo relish, pickled onions, spiced ketchup, smokey P&B mayo, brioche (bun) and a partridge on a pear tree. I was lured in by the promise of 'chilli' and 'spice' - if there's something hot on the menu, I'm orderin' it. I'm not a fan of having half the burger 'dribble' out though so I ordered the chilli chorizo relish to be served separately - classic case of me trying to control the burger instead of letting it control me. 

That theory ended when I bit into it and made some pretty awkward noises. It's OK though, I looked around and 28 other people were doing the same thing. Jordan was on the verge of dancing on the tables with his bacon burger in hand.

Now, I have a simple but strict criteria when judging a burger:

THE BUN: Oh, the BUN. I favour the brioche kind -  it's firm, holds the meat well, doesn't disintegrate between your fingers in a soggy sesame topped mess (here's lookin' at you, McDonalds) and the shiny top just finishes off my seal of approval. TICK.

THE PATTY: The meat has to be grilled medium rare (it's not a real burger if it's well done, the same goes for steak), seasoned well, moist (I hate that word but it's appropriate) burst with burger juice but not be WET. Things just got all kinds of wrong with that description but you know what I mean. No problems here, folks.

TOPPINGS: It's all good trickin' the mind with your healthy parcel of vegetables with its mounds of lettuce, tomatoes and caramelised onions but again, it has to be crisp and not interfere with the meat. Having tomato pips dangle awkwardly between the end of the burger and your chin? No bueno. I'd probably stick in a few jalapenos and grilled mushrooms in there too. 

SAUCE: All good. Smokey, creamy and blended everything nicely. If there was a chilli sauce bottle on the table, I would've drowned my burger in an ocean of the stuff.

Time for a close up. 

And because I like taking pictures of the burgers mid-bite:

You're welcome.

Wait, this wasn't even the best part.

There's no denying that the burger was a thing of brilliance but one of their side dishes actually over-thwarted their position on the throne. Let me present to you...

Winger Winger Chicken Dinner (10 points for the pun): Smoked confit wings with BBQ sauce & spring onions.

I'm tellin' you, these are a MUST ORDER. Sell your soul, trade in your other half (was nice knowing you, Jord) and feast on these. I'm normally very skeptical of wings as there's nothing worse than a saucy exterior... with dry and bland meat inside. It's hard to get right so I normally opt out of it. This, my friends, changed everything. The chicken quite literally fell off the bone with a gentle prod of the finger - it MELTED into our mouths and if the staff thought the burger noises were bad, they weren't prepared for this. Jordan and I nearly wrestled each other for the last wing before begrudgingly splitting it in half. Even if you don't like burgers, turn up and order these alone.

We also ordered the chips with rosemary salt - good but nothin' to write home about when they're up against the wings. 

So that's all, folks.

I turned into the creepiest of creeps when writing this review but this place will do these things to you. Jordan told me that it was a burger that he would quite happily strip for and he's normally very composed. Seems that I have competition but it's OK, I'd do it too.

When you're next in the area, give them a visit.